A Host of Holiday Fa-La-La

December 1, 2011
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By George Severini

Let it snow, Let it snow, Please let it melt>These days, when a baby boomer shouts power to the people, he just wants his electricity turned back on after wishing for a White Christmas that turned into a blizzard. The perfect White Christmas is gone by New Year’s Eve.

Making Faces—One of the signs of the abundance of food in America is that we buy a billion and half pounds of an orange fruit around Halloween for the sole purpose of carving faces in it’s rinds. Yeah, yeah, sometimes we roast the seeds.

Holiday Greetings. Take me to your leader—An alien from outer space might visit a greeting card store to research American society and conclude that African- and Asian-American humans do not celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, Halloween or Christmas. Also, based on Christmas cards, the alien notes that Americans revere fat, bearded, old white people . . . who drink Coca Cola . . . also an impoverished ancient Middle Eastern couple whose son is a king.

Whack O’ Lantern – One day out of the year—on Halloween—Americans mock death. But 365 days a year death mocks people all over the world. By the way, what does our alien anthropologist make of children with (fake) hatchets buried in their skulls? That they were assaulted for begging for candy?

A Feast that Doesn’t Knock the Stuffing out of You—Everywhere you turn people say that Thanksgiving is their favorite holiday because it’s stress free and doesn’t require them to buy presents. To prove it they turn the day after Thanksgiving into the biggest present-buying frenzy of the year.

Snow Globe—If Santa Claus moves to the South Pole (where there’s land under the ice) and puts wheels on his sleigh, will we believe in global warming?
Polar Expression: Go South Old Man.

It’s a Wrap!—Great idea for a Christmas present? How about giving wrapping paper, ribbon and gift tags. Of course, you’d have to give that present in the spring to make it timely and useful.

Holiday (Holy Day) Wordplay—An artificial blue or white Christmas tree is a Nevergreen. A holiday migraine is an Egg Noggin. Reindeer ornaments equal Hornaments. Holiday songs might be Gift Rapping.

DecEmber Home Fire Burning—Christians often don’t know when Hanukkah is happening because it’s a movable feast. But everyone is reminded when Christmas is, every day starting the day after Halloween. For Hanukkah there are nine orderly lights on a Menorah. For Christmas there are a thousand tangled lights on a wire.

The Re-Gifted Gift Bag—The greatest present enhancer ever is the gift bag. And it looks so easy to recycle. But come the time when you reuse it, it just looks, well . . . used. Especially the wrinkly glossy type. But it’s great for holding ornaments in the attic.

New Year’s Eve—Only 359 days until next Christmas.

But let me end this with a serious observation. The faithful people I know, no matter what their religious affiliations, believe in children—the health and happiness of children. And that’s an evergreen.

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