A Woman’s Journey From Grief And Loss To Stephy’s Place

In 1935, my Irish grandfather bought a 2nd edition of Webster’s New International Dictionary. The inscription inked inside the volume’s well-worn cover says that it was “…bought for the help and education of his future children and grandchildren.” It seemed like the logical place for me to seek a focal point for a topic that has dominated my experience and thoughts for well over a decade: grief and loss.
I think it curious that these unhappy terms are usually presented in that sequence, grief then loss, when universally it’s the occurrence of some loss that precedes the unfolding of the process we’ve come to call grief. Loss, some “unintentional parting with something of value,” per Webster, may be of a physical, mental, financial, relationship, professional or personal nature.
Throughout life, all of us suffer losses of varying magnitudes and find our way through the ensuing grief; a 5-stage process originally defined by Kübler- Ross in 1969 as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Others have studied the nature of grief since and come to different conclusions, but we still muddle our way through it in accordance with our personal belief systems, cultures and styles. It speaks to our social norms that we are confound- ed and awkward about dealing with ours and others’ reactions to such a universal life experience. Grief is the elephant in the room.
Bereaved and mourning, shut-down or raging, in grief, we ride an unpredictable roller coaster of emotion. It’s exhausting. There’s no timeline for the length of our journey, and no map of the triggers that can blindside us into the well of pain that we thought we had left behind. We have no appetite, or we can’t stop eating. We suffer from racing thoughts and insomnia, or we oversleep and are depleted. The symptoms are many and relentless. The ways we try to cope with our pain are many as well. Some choices may be unhealthy and lead to additional troubles.
One of the choices that helped me, and others, along the healing path, was to tell the story of my loss to those who were able to listen without needing to fix or change me. I joined a support group after my husband was killed in the 2001 Terrorist Attack. The other participants in the support group were able to offer a listening space with patient, open-hearted, generosity of spirit, because they too had suffered loss. They had learned to accept without judg- ment the raw, often crushing effect of grief in themselves and others. They created a space for wounded hearts to begin healing.
Our losses catapulted us into our personal struggles with grief, and our healing journey back to living. It has been a transformational journey for us of healing from a devastating loss and coming to a new place of strength and joy. And the journey continues, because a key part of our healing has been to find a way to help others heal. Because it was through the sharing in our support group the healing began and the seed was planted to help others through the grieving process.
Under the leadership of Sheila Martello, founding director, Stephy’s Place, Support Center for Grief and Loss, was born. Located in Red Bank, Stephy’s Place currently offers 10 peer support groups, facilitated by an experienced moderator, as well as mindful meditation, all free of charge. Peer support creates a community where there is a mutual trust, concern and caring.