By Kevin J. Keelan, Bereavement Specialist, Stephy’s Place
Stephy’s Place Support Center for Grief and Loss opened in Red Bank five years ago with one support group. Before the COVID-19 pandemic, we grew to offer 39 separate peer support groups for loss of a spouse, child, parent, sibling, or loss due to suicide and divorce. Our groups form strong, empathetic bonds and some find it quite essential for healing.
Since the shelter-in-place guidelines took effect, thanks to technology, most of these groups are still meeting virtually through Zoom, including one new support group made up mostly of members who have lost loved ones from COVID-19 or suffered a loss during this time of separation and isolation.
Unable to both see their loved ones before they died and then have the proper services and rituals that often can be helpful in grief, this group suffers with particular and acute pain during these frightening and difficult times.
Because so many of us have been captive in our homes for months with grief and loneliness, our groups have provided much needed support and release. Because all of our groups are free of charge and led by trained, compassionate facilitators who have suffered loss, our hope and mission is to continue to help one another to cope, survive, and navigate through the roller coaster of emotions and struggles that one can face in the grieving process, and we continue to find new ways to adapt.
One of the most practical and helpful aspects of our support groups at Stephy’s Place Center for Loss is when people share what they find most helpful, or not, when managing grief and mourning. Often this opens us up to try different coping skills that perhaps we hadn’t considered.
In his book, “Perspective,” the psychologist Robert Wicks, says, “contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want but the realization of what you already have.”
Sometimes, quite often actually, grief can make us so fixated on what we do not have that we tend to forget, at least for a while, what we do have or did have. It’s important to try to be in touch with what and who we have and have had in our lives. We cannot allow grief to steal these most precious treasures from us.
While “stuck” in our homes it is a good time to take inventory of all the memories that have been created; these memories are our greatest treasures for sure. And although we may not have the people we loved so dearly, perhaps we can let our broken hearts be grateful for having had them, having known them, having shared some of our life with them and they with us.
There are still other people in our lives we may have neglected because of our deep sorrow and pain; maybe this is a good time to reach out to them and allow our perspective to change regarding their presence in our lives. Even if they are not living under our roof and we are separated right now, thanks to technology we can still be in touch.
Two things we often talk about in group are gratitude and mindfulness. Gratitude helps us gain a healthier perspective by getting us out of ourselves; being focused inordinately on self does not lead to greater happiness, in fact it is a black hole that can lead to deeper loneliness, despair and isolation.
The other helpful tool, or skill is mindfulness – allowing ourselves to be present to the present, trying to keep our brains out of the future that does not exist or a past that is haunting or painful.
If we are OK right here and right now it’s important to allow ourselves to be OK, to find contentment in the right here, right now.
If you or someone you know is interested in joining a support group, visit stephyspace.org or call 732-614-1142. Meanwhile, our annual Mourning Walk is scheduled for Sunday, Sept. 13 at Seven Presidents Park in Long Branch.
The article originally appeared in the July 2 – 8, 2020 print edition of The Two River Times.
