By Sophia Wiener
FAIR HAVEN – Stacy Ross describes her early years as charmed. The Fair Haven resident, author, mother of three and public speaker recalls her own good grades, family and friends, professional success and a college sweetheart who became her husband.
Her first true trial in life was a painful struggle with infertility. “We were two kids who figured we had the world in front of us – we graduated college, we were trying to have kids,” Ross said.
When she and her husband succeeded in adopting a child, Fin, she expected that to be the start of her happily ever after. But it wasn’t.
As their child grew up, what seemed like minor quirks at first, such as impulsive and attention-seeking behavior, poor social skills and trouble in school, became increasingly predominant and problematic. Fin got into trouble – constantly. As his problems grew more serious, Ross recalls how she grew to dread the sound of a phone call from school or a club, reporting the latest issue. She and her husband sought diagnoses, but nothing fit. They secured therapy, special accommodations and even attendance at a highly regarded school for kids struggling with learning disabilities.
But the magic cure they were searching for didn’t exist, and Fin grew more unstable and unhappy. His illness hurt him and often threatened to control the lives of the Ross family, which later grew to include a set of biological twins.
As the Rosses would only learn many years later, Fin was struggling with borderline personality disorder (BPD). In “Searching for Slippers: One Mom’s Coming of Age Story,” her memoir published earlier this year with Asbury Park publisher Inspired Girl, Ross takes readers on that journey and all it taught her.
According to Ross, the accepted medical diagnosis is that those with BPD are dramatically impacted by this lifelong mental illness. Those with BPD usually have difficulty regulating emotions, display impulsive and reckless behavior and rapidly shifting interests and values and have volatile, unstable relationships.
Throughout it all, Ross said she was determined to hold her family together, working tirelessly to get everyone to a place where they would be happy and successful.
But as Fin eventually left the nest and forged his own path in the world, his mother realized she, too, had to mature and stop torturing herself in pursuit of an unattainable standard. “I don’t need you to fix it, Mom. I just need you to listen. Can you do that?” he asked her during a phone call, which she described toward the end of the book. That finally gave Ross “the permission (she) could never give herself.” Allowing herself to step back and draw boundaries helped her, her husband and their twins get to a much healthier place, she said.
Ross began writing the book in 2020, after being laid off during the COVID pandemic. In 2023, she did her first public interview with Cornell alumni and a student podcast “Cornell (thank) U.” “When you write, you write to a page. There’s no judgment,” Ross said. “When I was writing, I wasn’t even thinking about an audience. So… when I told my story publicly for the first time, I told it the same way I wrote it, honest and with no holds barred,” she said in a recent interview about the book and her advocacy.
The result was the podcast’s most popular episode to date, she said. Strangers began con- tacting her to share their stories, to thank her for her honesty, to say they had “found a piece of themselves” and their own and their loved ones’ struggles with mental illness in her sto- ry. That’s what made Ross realize she wanted to keep speaking and sharing her story.
She said she always felt alone raising Fin. “Ironically, I am so not alone. What I’ve learned is that there are over 17 million parents and caregivers to those with mental illness. And when I started speaking, they came out of the woodwork.”
Ross attributes the difficulty in finding that community to her peers’ packed schedules, but also to the stigma that often surrounds mental illness. “You know, we live in a small town. Your child’s not doing the same things as other people. There’s self-blame, there’s guilt – all of the emotions of feeling like a failed parent, preventing you from talking about it.”
Now, Ross speaks publicly, spreading awareness of mental illness and advocating for parents like her.
She will speak Dec. 10 at a holiday pop-up and book signing at The Woman’s Club of Asbury Park in Ocean Township. On Dec. 13, she will have a book signing at Barnes & Noble in Holmdel, according to her publisher.
In her talks, she advocates for parents of adult children to have increased access to and involvement with their care. “As soon as Fin turned 18, gaining access to his medical care became much more difficult,” she said.
“I can tell you, my son is 29 and he still very much needs me. I am still very much affected by his illness. I’m still dealing with the worries of him living below the poverty line, him not getting treatment. The only difference is that doctors won’t speak to me (now),” Ross said.
Those experiences found their way into her memoir, as she continued to edit the book and to learn. (“Searching for Slippers” was named for her desire for life’s endless blows to fall a little lighter.) She found herself focusing on the coping skills that kept her family together, so she incorporated that into her memoir and explained how those skills helped her find peace and happiness in the face of extreme stress.
Ross views her memoir as a mother’s coming-of-age story —a tale about facing a challenge and growing through it. At first, she thought the challenge was Fin. “When you write a memoir, it’s about your relationship with an antagonist. I thought the antagonist was Fin, my child, when I started writing. But the truth is, the antagonist is his illness.”
Today Fin lives in West Virginia with his own family, including his 2-year-old son. He is still largely supported by his parents, but Ross said Fin “dedicates ever y day to being the best parent he can be while managing symptoms of borderline personality disorder.”
The book ends with a postscript by Fin himself. He explains that when he’d heard about the book, he was terrified of the truths it would show the world. But after reading about the love and desperate energy his parents poured into his adoption, he looked at the book with new understanding, and now supports his mother without reservation.
“My mom once told me that if this book can help to ease the pain and struggles faced by… just one person, then she would feel fulfilled and accomplished. Congratulations, Mommy, it has,” Fin writes in the book.
“Searching for Slippers: One Mom’s Coming of Age Story” ($19.99, Inspired Girl) is available through all major booksellers.
The article originally appeared in the October 9 – October 15, 2025 print edition of The Two River Times.
