By Patricia McDaniel
Laid-back summer days are over and the recent months of political grind culminated in an outcome that pleased some and saddened and angered others. So what’s next? Whether you’re eager for it or ambivalent about it, the holidays are here.
While there is certainly much pleasure and spiritual solace to be found in the weeks from Thanksgiving to the New Year, it’s not necessarily “undiluted,” to borrow a phrase from the late Queen Elizabeth II. Holiday gatherings, in particular, may not provide the comfort and joy we hoped for.
But it doesn’t have to be that way, according to two Two River-area professionals who can speak with some authority about how to navigate holiday gatherings and bolster your immunity to so-called “toxic” encounters.
Therapist Meredith O’Brien, LCSW, of Fair Haven and Rev. Alberto Tamayo, C.O., of the Oratory Church of St. Anthony of Padua in Red Bank have insights that apply at any time of the year, but especially during the festive season when parties and get-togethers abound.
“People have to work with their ‘social battery’ and continue traditions that feel good to them,” said O’Brien, whose practice includes offices in Red Bank and Fair Haven. She said social pressures can be overwhelming for introverts, for example. So they have to “pick and choose what is enjoyable to them.”
Tamayo added that it’s important to develop realistic expectations of others.
“To expect others to be different people or to meet expectations that they simply can’t meet is not only unfair to them, it’s often a source of frustration for us. So, the first thing is to manage our own expectations. The second is to say, ‘OK, I know what I don’t like, but what do I like about this person? What are their gifts and the goodness in them? What is there that is positive about this person,’ ” he said.
Family Gatherings:
Love with a Side of Stress
Our closest relationships can be tricky this time of year. Most of us still function daily in a more nuclear family setting but the holidays tend to broaden that base.
Politics might come up at a holiday dinner. And if it threatens to derail a comfy vibe – assuming not everyone is on the same political page – you might suggest tabling this “heavy topic” altogether, O’Brien recommended. Redirect attention to the hors d’oeuvres or seek out another guest and make a getaway.
Tamayo also advised keeping politics in perspective. “The first thing I would say is, whoever you like – whether donkey, elephant or some other party – it’s always a mistake to idolize politics. While whoever is in office can have some clear and profound effects on our lives and peace, it’s not the totality of life. And it is an absolute tragedy when family members don’t speak to one another because of these things,” he said.
Bringing a good attitude to the family table helps, he noted. “It’s important to respect one another and to assume the best of one another. Magnanimity on all sides goes a long way,” Tamayo said.
Besides the political hot potato, food can be a sore point, as can comments about weight – regardless of the number.
O’Brien wrote a book about her eating disorder, “Opening the Door: My Journey Through Anorexia to Full Recovery.” It’s an area of her therapy practice and the disorder is a growing problem among younger clients, she noted.
Here’s a response to use when a family member brings up your weight gain or loss: Say, “Weight is the least interesting thing about me,” O’Brien suggested.
Additionally, omnivores and vegans can coexist peacefully at a holiday meal. If the menu is an issue, she said, vegetarians who won’t be partaking in the turkey can choose the side dishes and bring some unique alternatives for all the guests to sample.
Deeper Issues Require Sensitivity
Navigating holiday gatherings can be more challenging when realities such as grief, a job loss, or recovery from addiction impact family or friends, the experts noted.
“This can be so difficult and heartbreaking for people, especially if it’s the first year, full of the first holidays without someone,” Tamayo said, whether the loss is through death, an estrangement or because the loved one moved. “It’s hard to be without them during the holidays.”
“My first advice would be, don’t cancel anything or miss the celebrations. The joy may be a bit duller but, if we allow it, little bright lights can pierce through even the darkest moments,” he said.
O’Brien suggested acknowledging the loss and sharing memories of that person.
“The most important thing is to feel support,” she said.
“If the person loved Elvis, play his music at the party,” she said, creating a happy memory to balance the sad. Allow yourself to still take some pleasure from life, even after a loss.
“It’s absolutely OK to feel sad,” O’Brien said. “There’s no time schedule for grieving.”
Stephy’s Place in Red Bank is a nonprofit resource for those experiencing loss. Kevin Keelen, M.A., a facilitator there, said people should not fear “leaning in” to grief.
“Sometimes we need to just let the wave catch up and wash over us,” Keelen said. “Taking a bit of time each day in a quiet space, outside or inside, to lean into our feelings can be helpful.”
Try not to let fear stand in the way. “We need to feel in order to heal,” he said.
If you find yourself confronting other experiences of loss at group gatherings, like job loss or an empty nest, you shouldn’t feel you have to “wear a mask,” O’Brien said. Go to gatherings where you feel safe and supported. You don’t have to soldier on through an entire evening if you still need time to yourself. A friendly “Gotta go” is allowed, she said.
For those in drug or alcohol recovery, there are ways to fill a long holiday with purpose and care. Certain area support groups offer all-day drop-in events on holidays. There are also opportunities to volunteer at social service events. These techniques, O’Brien said, can fill your day and help others.
Making Room for the
Spirit of the Season
O’Brien said keeping things simple – such as pared-down gift-giving – can really reduce stress and make holiday obligations less fraught. More isn’t always better. She is gifting friends with a favorite book on her list this year, she said. (Spoiler alert: It’s “The Pivot Year” by Brianna Wiest.)
She also suggested donating those perfectly good but unused clothes or accessories that haunt your closet. With colder weather upon us, many organizations can use donated coats, hats and scarves.
Both O’Brien and Tamayo said gratitude is one of the most overlooked keys to a fulfilling holiday experience.
“Slow down and ask yourself, ‘What am I grateful for today?’ ” O’Brien said, adding that she urges her clients to ask themselves that question at every session.
There are many resources in the Two River area for those needing support this holiday season. Here are two: Stephy’s Place Center for Grief and Loss offers free support groups: stephysplace.org; Oratory Church of St. Anthony of Padua offers many ways to help others, including with clothing donations: web.stanthonysofredbank.net.
The article originally appeared in the November 21 – 28, 2024 print edition of The Two River Times.
