By Judy O’Gorman Alvarez, Laura D.C. Kolnoski and Elizabeth Wulfhorst
Advice isn’t hard to come by on almost any subject – from those with knowledge
and those without it – and when it comes to weddings and marriage, opinions abound. Who better to give advice, though, than couples who have weathered the ups and downs of married life? We asked four couples to tell readers about their weddings and to offer a little help to those just starting their journey together.
Donald and Lillian Burry
Donald Burry and Lillian G. Beneforti, Wagner College sweethearts, were married at the historic Trinity Church in lower Manhattan in 1957. It was prescient the ceremony took place where Alexander Hamilton is buried: Decades later, in her capacity as mayor and historic preservationist, Lillian Burry brought professional actors from Philadelphia, including “Hamilton,” to Colts Neck schools, making history come alive for students.
The pair’s lavish 300-guest reception was held at the legendary Delmonico’s restaurant, which was owned by Lillian’s uncle, Oscar Tucci. Her father acted as manager.
“The food and presentation were amazing,” Lillian recalled. “The staff worked hard to impress my father, whom they loved. It was exquisite.”
Don fondly remembers “the big lobster” centerpiece.
“I sent out all the invitations because Don was on active duty in the Coast Guard in Norfolk,” Lillian recounted. A last-minute cancelation of Don’s wedding leave was quickly reversed by his father’s intervention and connections.
Lillian graduated cum laude with a double major in political science and history.
“That day, I felt like a queen, and I was marrying this good-looking, wonderful, tall Coast Guard Lieutenant JG,” Burry recalled. The couple danced to their song “The Way You Look Tonight” before they checked into the Plaza for the night. It was then on to The Homestead resort in Hot Springs, Virginia.
“Lillian came along when I played golf, and she got badly sunburned,” Don remembered. “That took care of the honeymoon.”
The jovial pair remain active, their close bond evident and admired. Don, a retired Coast Guard captain, still plays golf and accompanies Lillian, a Monmouth County Commissioner, to meetings and events. Lillian still helms Colts Neck Realty on Route 537. The couple has one daughter, two grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren.
“When we got married, we were given the advice, ‘Never go to bed mad,’ and we continue to honor that,” Lillian said. “Now when we go to bed, we say, ‘I love you.’ It’s been 66 years of wedded bliss.”
“I concur,” Don said with conviction.
Leo and Eleanor Ryan
Listening to Leo and Eleanor Ryan talk, it’s easy to hear all the joy, laughter and lived experiences of their 66-year marriage.
The couple, who now live in Shrewsbury, met when Eleanor was a freshman and Leo a sophomore at Queen of Peace High School in North Arlington, Bergen County. “He used to peek through the window at me,” Eleanor said.
They were married Nov. 23, 1957, at St. Peter’s Church in Belleville and honeymooned in the Poconos.
Eleanor said her mother didn’t like the idea of the wedding being so close to Thanksgiving but, “We had been dating a long time. (Leo) graduated from college in June and that was how we could schedule it.”
The pair celebrated with family and friends at Perillo’s Restaurant in Newark. “The reason we had it there was, my father had a sign business and Perillo was one of his customers,” Eleanor recalled with a laugh. In fact, two of her sisters also had their receptions at Perillo’s.
Neither remembers having a specific wedding song, but both commented on their love of all kinds of music over the years, “classical, popular, Glen Miller, Bob Marley… just a big variety,” Eleanor said.
Leo was a chemical engineer who worked with nuclear power plants to purify the cooling water, often traveling for work. Once their four children were older, Eleanor accompanied him on many of these trips, her favorite being to Tokyo.
After seven decades together, Eleanor’s advice for a long-lasting marriage is, “Stay with it. Things are up and down all the time, but don’t give up ever. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes it’s bad. When things are bad, you know, just stay with it.”
Leo offered this piece of guidance: Focus on your relationship and don’t put too much stock in what others say. “When your family – you got brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts – and they’ve all got little tidbits of things and ‘How’s it going? How’s it going?’ I would say, ‘We’re doing very well, thank you. And if they persisted on it, I’d say, ‘You know, you’re not gonna get very far,’ ” Leo said.
“I just want to protect her and me.”
Ed Zipprich and J.P. Nicolaides
Red Bank Councilman Ed Zipprich shared the story of his wedding to husband J.P. Nicolaides:
Imagine you want to get married. You’re ready to get married. You’ve been together for 16 years and civilly united since it was legalized in 2011, but the law prevents you from actually tying the proverbial knot.
And then, thanks to years of advocacy and political pressure, the law changes and you are able to marry! But wait! The erstwhile governor of your state keeps threatening to veto your right to marry. And then… your state legislature and court support your right to get married and override the objection.
That happened during the day on Friday, the 19th of October 2013! Same sex marriage would be legal as of 12:01 AM (yes, midnight!) on Monday, the 21st of October, 2013!
So we did it, almost 10 years ago. In less than 48 hours we threw together a wedding, our daughter booked a flight from Boston to Newark and a small, late-night reception of champagne and dessert was thrown together by the experts at Via 45 Restaurant. With our parents, friends who came in from as far away as Florida and Virginia, we celebrated our marriage in Red Bank Borough Hall with our dear friend, Mayor Colleen Mahr of Fanwood presiding at midnight.
We were the first same-sex couple legally married in Red Bank. It was worth the wait, worth the effort, and appears – finally – to be the law of the land for once and for all.
Our advice to newlyweds: Talk. Talk things out. Try not to go to bed mad (sometimes, you must). Do nice, surprising things for one another.
Liz and Chris Toolan
When Liz Browndorf and Chris Toolan married on June 22, 2013 at St. George’s-by-the-River Episcopal Church it was a beautiful day. “It was a gorgeous June wedding,” Liz said. “Chris’ father had passed away and it felt like he was shining through because the day was gorgeous. Not too hot. It was perfection.”
The reception followed at the Rumson Country Club. “This was nine months after Sandy. At that point, the River House got married next to the driving range.” The tented venue provided a beautiful location for their guests.
The couple had gotten engaged the previous June 22, a date that was special to them. “Chris’ mother and father’s wedding was on June 22,” Liz said. “It was like all the stars were aligning for the same date.”
The wedding was a “magical day,” Liz said. “I still get texts from people who tell me what a great day it was.”
They danced their first dance to their wedding song, “Crazy Love” by Van Morrison.
“My father, who passed away in August, serenaded me to the Frank Sinatra song ‘The Way You Look Tonight,’ ” she said. “He was quite the crooner.”
The Toolans, who live in Rumson, will celebrate their 10th anniversary with their two girls, ages 8 and 4. The girls attend Rumson Country Day School where Liz is president of Parent Council. Chris works for Barclays Investment Bank in New York City.
Liz said if she had any advice to give engaged couples it would be, “Be kind to each other. And always have grace,” she said. “It’s a partnership of a lifetime, you should value it wholeheartedly and never take it for granted. Have gratitude.”
The article originally appeared in the February 9 – 15, 2023 print edition of The Two River Times.
