By Judy O’Gorman Alvarez
Tragedies may be personal, but their messages can be universal.
A new foundation in Red Bank, Mary’s Garden Media, is working to offer support for individuals and families grieving after losing a loved one to suicide.
When Red Bank photographer Danny Sanchez’s wife, Mary Yahara, took her life in 2020, he felt his world had stopped.
“Mary struggled with depression, anxiety and mental illness,” said Sanchez, who first met her in 1982 when he was taking a photography class at Brookdale Community College and needed a model. Mary volunteered.
Her death was a shock.
“I was in a bad place,” Sanchez said, and climbing out of that bad place was not easy.
Sanchez struggled every day after Mary’s death, caring for their beloved chihuahua Ava and trying to get back to his photography work. After prodding from his assistant Deanna Cacciatore and others, Sanchez visited Stephy’s Place, a support center for grief and loss, just a few blocks from his West Side studio.
He met with a group of people who had all lost loved ones to suicide and just listened to everyone tell their story. Although Sanchez didn’t share his experiences that day, he continued attending group sessions. And within those walls, in those groups, he found comfort. Three years later, he’s still participating.
As he came to terms with Mary’s death, Sanchez said he considered dedicating a bench in her memory or a plaque. But neither idea felt right.
Drawing on his artistic sensibilities, he started visualizing the stories he heard at Stephy’s Place. “I was always thinking of scenes, cinematic scenes. These stories are so helpful to me, and I can tell how helpful they are to the others,” he said.
Listening to others’ stories “was educational and it was extremely comforting. I wasn’t alone.”
So, Sanchez decided to create and produce a documentary. He asked his longtime friend and noted filmmaker John Decker of Asbury Park to direct it.
“I think his work is brilliant,” Sanchez said.
At Stephy’s Place, Decker and Sanchez met Christine and Bob Moore, who lost their son Jack to suicide in 2016. They asked the Fair Haven couple if they would tell their story on film.
Kevin Keelan, bereavement coordinator at Stephy’s Place, conducted the interview with the Moores, which Decker said became “an intimate conversation.”
The resulting documentary, “Life After Loss: A Parent’s Perspective on Losing a Child to Suicide,” shares the Moores’ journey and the challenges they’ve encountered in the aftermath of their devastating loss.
The documentary “was intended to be a one-off, to commemorate Mary and to help people who found themselves in the same situation as Danny,” Decker said.
That plan changed when they saw the response at the film’s screening.
When Sanchez and Decker showed the documentary to the Stephy’s Place community and to the loved ones of those who have lost people to suicide, the response was overwhelmingly positive.
Viewers told them they were comforted by “hearing their grief journey and everything they went through” from someone else.
“It helped me as well,” said Decker, who lost a good friend to suicide.
Decker also said the help Sanchez got from Stephy’s Place was remarkable. “I’ve literally seen him over the course of weeks and months transform” while working through his grief.
Sanchez told him how few resources were available for people in this situation, so when they got the feedback, it dawned on them to do more. “I saw the impact that it (the documentary) had on our group, and I said, wow, there needs to be more of these,” he said.
A universal comment Decker received from the Stephy’s Place staff and clients was that hearing the stories of others helps someone going through the grieving process. “People who are going through the pain recognize the story in themselves and realize they are not alone,” Decker said.
Decker and Sanchez thought if they could record these voices, these messages, Stephy’s Place facilitators could use the resulting videos as a resource.
“Imagine a repository of different (voices) that can help” people dealing with grief, Decker said.
“Stephy’s Place helps something like 500 people a week. YouTube can reach a whole lot of people who probity don’t have a Stephy’s Place near them,” he noted.
Decker said the kind of content Mary’s garden Media is creating is needed because there just isn’t enough of it.
Losing someone to suicide is a different kind of grief,” he said. And getting help for those who are suffering is essential. “Otherwise, it could turn into complicated grief, a wound that doesn’t heal.”
With the help of friends like Lee Ostrowsky, Susan Doctorian Kyrillos and others, Sanchez formed the foundation with the mission to help those grappling with the challenges associated with losing a loved one to suicide.
“Mary’s favorite place was her garden,” said Sanchez, hence the name.
The nonprofit aspires to raise financial support to create a library of films that can serve as therapeutic conduits for viewers, fostering solace, empathy and the beginning of the healing process.
The garden “was Mary’s place to go,” said Sanchez, “the one thing she loved the most.” “When we first got the house, she started putting flowers all over the place. I would say: Why are we putting flowers all over there? Don’t you have enough flowers?”
Nowadays, Sanchez said he’s trying to keep up Mary’s garden as best he can. “I’m doing my best. I think of her when I’m trying and say, ‘Babe, you gotta help me out a bit.’ It’s when we talk.”
In addition to helping people deal with grief, Sanchez – following the call from most mental health professionals – wants to erase the stigma of suicide. Comments suggesting a person with suicidal tendencies is somehow less worthy of grief or wondering why steps were not taken beforehand, he said, can be damaging.
“Changing the language a little bit helps,” he said.
When Sanchez published Mary’s obituary, he had some initial reactions from loved ones upset he addressed her suicide. They thought it was a private matter.
“But it’s just important to talk about these things.”
The public is invited to Mary’s Garden Media’s official launch event Tuesday, May 14, at the Vogel, 99 Monmouth St., Red Bank. Hosted in partnership with the YMCA of Greater Monmouth County, a longtime provider of mental health support, this event is free and open to all who seek insight into grief resources, suicide prevention and holistic mental well-being.
Highlighting the evening will be the nonprofit’s premiere screening of “Life After Loss: A Parent’s Perspective on Losing a Child to Suicide.”
The launch event will also feature an array of nonprofits offering invaluable information and resources, including Stephy’s Place, CPC Integrated Health, Mental Health Association of Monmouth County, Monmouth Arts, Monmouth Rainbows, Ridge Road Run/RBR The Source, Rutgers Health/ HOPES Program, Shore House, Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide, Veteran’s Affairs Suicide Prevention, and YMCA Counseling & Social Services.
“We aren’t just highlighting the struggles” in the documentaries, Decker said. “We’re showcasing the strength and resilience of the human spirit.”
“Together, we can transform stories of sorrow into narratives of strength and hope.”
If you or someone you know is in a mental health crisis call or text 988.
The article originally appeared in the May 2 – May 8, 2024 print edition of The Two River Times.
